I haven't made the time to write something to tell you guys fully what's going on in my life. I finally have reached this point where everything is so welled up that I just cannot contain anything anymore. Trying to figure things out by yourself is truly and forever difficult. I've consulted a few friends and you guys have been very helpful. But I think the biggest roadblock is myself and I don't think anyone can make me get over myself that easily. It's been hard putting pieces and pieces of all these thoughts that have been surfacing or re-surfacing in the passed month since my husband left for Japan for his study abroad program through his university. Oh yeah, about that, let's start back from June 1st where everything began to pace at the speed of a jet plane—faster than I could even keep up. June 1st:
The day I started living in my new place. The week and day before were hell to move out of our old apartment. We did it though and I'm happy to be where my new place is. You see I was living in Sacramento, the capitol of CA, and now I'm in Davis a smaller place. It's a college town which is wonderful for someone like me who doesn't drive since all the shops are so nestled into each other. It's a very convenient lifestyle. I had wondered why we didn't move here in the first place because my husband goes to UCDavis. We had reasons but we didn't even try to see—at least I didn't check myself.
My old boss from my previous job hooked me up with a sweet deal on my living situation. She had friends (mind you, my boss is quite old so old friends be old) that would rent out a room to international exchange students. So they might be needing someone to stay there if the room was available. Fortunately, it was open and they loved the idea of having someone like me (not international) to stay. The reason was they were going to be gone on a long vacation so a house sitter would be amazing. Also, they might be going on other vacations throughout the year since they are retired. I was perfect for their bill.
During this time, Glenn (my husband), had his finals and we were cramped in a single bedroom together. I wasn't too comfortable yet with my landlords that live with me so I seldom go outside to the common room to converse with them. They were fine if we were around just it was me and him not being comfortable. When I was living back in our old apartment, I had it with being around my husband. Being in such close quarters with not much room between us...made it worse. I always gotten annoyed with him bugging me when I was drawing or doing other things. I was so stressed out with school because I took many units and classes I had difficulties in. I felt like I never had time for him or I didn't want to make the time for him. I had an easier time coping with drawing and/or video games. A good portion that I was at fault for pushing him away and being so cold. I'm no good when I have a goal in mind or I think I was just super unhappy ever since I came back to California. I'm such a sad sob. June 15th:
Tensions were high around this day. This day was when Glenn was driven in to the airport to be shipped off to Japan, also the day I started my summer class. Like I said, everything was moving so fast in such a short period of time. I still don't even know where I am. My sense of time has gone out the window and the only thing that has been keeping me from not losing track is a job and school. Speaking about a job, I also had to start a new job that incoming Wednesday.
We had a lot of high tension fights at my new place because of the small space we shared. Our nerves around each other were tested, especially his because of me. Looking back on it, I just don't know anything of how I have been acting and I do need to do some deep searching. I feel like I've been such at fault for the unhappiness in our relationship for stupid reasons in the passed couple of years. I also think every since my goal is to complete school, my brain has been scramble for worse than better. I have such a hard time keeping information intact or listening to my surroundings. I feel like I've shut off a lot due to so much going on in my head. Every time I stop to breathe and tell myself, "one at a time," I panic because there is so much to do and only myself
. I know, I know. I need to take it slow but how can I? I just lose it and it's been making me so chaotic. It's stupid. Why am I like this?
After he was shipped off, I return to my room. The only difference that he wasn't there anymore. At this point, I tell myself, "I'm glad he's finally gone." I've been saying I couldn't wait until he was gone since December because I had just become so annoyed of him pestering me a lot. He wasn't pestering per say, it was me who only thought that. It's been feeling like I can't handle a relationship right now and I don't know why I feel that when I've dealt with one for quite a long time. I don't feel bored of him or want him to disappear from my life forever. So I know along with this feeling, I wanted space to figure myself out since being around him only made me think of "us" rather than "me" as selfish as that sounds.
I am the sad kind of sob that feels the sadness after the fact. Subconsciously that day, I refused to try to sleep. I didn't really notice how late before I said, "Maybe I should sleep..." I realized the intensity of the shock of Glenn being gone when I crawled into bed. It's ironic because I been looking forward to having the bed to myself...but it felt so empty. His pillow was still there. I could still smell him. His loose hairs scattered about. That there was no one to roll over anymore and giggle to, Of course, I cried that night and tried my best to fall asleep. I tried not to cry too much but the fact I kept trying to stay awake until I would pass out each night remained. I didn't want to lay in bed alone thinking rather go into the land of sleep in one swell swoop.
I continued my daily life of being on the computer. Around 2-3 o'clock I expected Glenn to be home because that's when he would come home in the passed two weeks we lived in this place. You don't know how painful I felt when I thought I heard the door creak or the garage door opened up for me to know he's coming home. It never came. The creaks and door garages were just my landlords or even things I were hearing because it was habit. I felt to distraught and so dumb. I feel so dumb guys because I can't believe I let this happen to me. What the holy fuck. June 20th:
My landlords take-off date for their 8 week long vacation. They had been around helping me cope with my loss of Glenn. I'm sure they knew I felt devastated and I didn't think I would feel this bad either. I was a fool and still feel like one. I think my reality check always comes after the fact something has happen. It just sucks that I am like that. I just couldn't anticipate having to be so sad when he left beforehand. I had to wait until it hit me. Anyway, they had invited me to dinner with their friends and really took care of me. I felt like the company helped me a little.
The day they left, the house was so quiet and empty. I felt a surge of utter loneliness and terror that never hit me before. I was alone
for 8 weeks in a large house. I never been so terrified or anxious in my entire life. I realized I never been in a house alone in my entire 24 years of my life—not for a long time. Sure someone leaves the house for 8 hours but I knew they were coming back. Sure a roommate takes vacation for a weekend but someone else was always there, another roommate or something. To be frank, there was just another body around whether I interacted with them or not. The presence to know someone is around was my sanity and that's slipping away. I keep thinking that someone might enter the house ill-willed and it's not helping me especially at night. I get so spooked at night in this house that I try to keep many lights on.
The entire day, I felt like shit. I was truly alone. No one around. In a new town, place. I have many of you online. You guys helped me a lot just being able to talk to someone but it can't erase the need of something physically next to me to console and pat me on the head to tell me everything will be alright. Work hasn't even been taking my mind off anything in my life. I know how terrible of that to say but I need something, shit. I've developed an anxiety for coming home now. I don't want to be home but I have no where else to me. I'm scared to be here alone and I put music and noises but when I lay in bed at night, I hear the piping or whatever of the house which scares the shit out of me. I've been having a terrible time sleeping too ever since Glenn left as you can guess from me not wanting to sleep at night anymore. School isn't help either. Everything feels so mundane and I feel like my efforts are so fruitless.
I believe that night I cried my eyes out to my friend online via RaidCall. She had a crappy day as well so we wanted to both console each other. I just broke lose and fucking balled out. I actually tried to go to bed that night and fuck out broke in hysterical crying in bed. I had this thought that just triggered my sadness to no ends. She was ok with me crying to her and I can't thank her enough to be able to talk to her like that with bare emotions showing. Thank you. Ever since that day, she's been messaging once a day to ask how was I feeling. I don't even know where to begin to die from her kindness and thoughtfulness. Just fucking thank you for fucking christ sake.
I felt much better after that day but only unfortunate events occurred following. I was cleaning my pets cage outside. I kept them in a glass terrarium while I did. I set them out in the shade outside since I was hosing down their cage outside. I had to do some chores while it dried. While that happen, the sun crept up into the cage and I didn't notice. I had set a loose timer of coming back out to get them in half an hour since it was gonna take that long to dry. I found them looking almost dead, fried. I fucking felt so stupid and panicked the shit. Like why didn't I think this would happen. I fucking rushed back inside with them to cool them off like crazy. They were still moving but spastic. They didn't have heatstroke but a major heat exhaustion luckily. I was so devastated at the fact I might have killed them. I kept them in a cool place all day, there was a cold slab of marble in their cage for them to lie on as well. I had them on my glass table and a fan blowing on them. They were moving and getting better. I was so lucky I caught them in time before it could've been worse. I fucking suck butt.
The next day they both seemed fine. They were walking about eating and doing everything. Though I think something loose went about from their almost death experience. They started fighting hardcore. One ripped out a toenail of the other and he was bleeding everywhere. I separated them by floor but the floor was grated so I worried. I tried to block the grates as best as possible. Apparently the next day, the other one showed issues with his penis. I guess the one who got his toenail bitten off had some revenge in that fight. Like wow. This is on the same pet too that had a penis problem a couple years ago and thank god I have the medicine for that still. FML. For the entire week, it has been a shithole with trying to rescue them. Yes it was my fault at first, but then they just turned crazy and fuck me. Now:
My life has just been a chaotic mess. I don't even know where to begin or where I am actually. It has been hard for me to process my thoughts or what's going on around me. It's really a weird phenomena for me. I usually cope well with changes of pace or just whatever comes my way. I'm usually attentive and remember things such as someone's name off the bat. I feel I'm not trying anymore and I don't know why. I guess I'm at the tip of the iceberg and I am slowly falling off with my grasp of my life.
This may all sound like a lot of garbage but I wanted to share and let everyone know. I haven't been keeping in contact with ALL of you. I rather have become seclusive and just been talking with a select few friends. Please don't be offended, I just can't handle too much contact at the moment.
I just want to apologize to everyone that is waiting on me and saw me drawing other things. I think the recent drawings I have been doing is just me coping with my dumb self and what is going on around me. I have opened commissions and trade files and seem to not be able to continue them. I can't even draw doodles anymore of my own characters. So...I'll try my best to get my drawing back...for now...I'll be on another hiatus and thinking over some things. Since my husband is in Japan and I want to visit him, a lot of my adopts will have to go.
I'm sorry for being such a wreck. I need some time and space to think what I'm doing.
I hope you understand and if you have any concerns, please just send me a private note. I'll answer as I am able to.
For the time being, some of my few IRL friends have been giving me some nice advice I will try out to calm down and people at my new job too.